Thoughts on turning 30

So, my 30th birthday is just around the corner here. Most of my friends know that turning 29 was not my favorite thing, mostly because it’s kind of a dumb age. I’m not in my 20’s anymore, not really, but I’m not in my 30’s either. There is a feeling of gravitas, of stature that comes with being another decade.

The real reason that I’m struggling with 30 is that it feels like I will finally have to accept that I am a grown up, an adult, a real person. I know that that has been true for awhile now, in ever-increasing amounts since graduating from college. Or at least, since moving out to my own place. Or, at least, since getting married. Or, at least, since moving to San Diego and getting a “real” job.

But turning 30 isn’t really going to change my life. It’s just another morning. Another evening. Another day with it’s share of triumphs and turbulence. Another chance to succeed at all of those times I tell myself: “I’m going to…” or “I’m Never going to….. again.” Another chance to fail, but hopefully not completely.

Here are some things I’ve learned in 30 years:

– Sometimes the truth is hard. Sometimes it makes things worse before it sets you free. But it always does set you free.

– There will be difficult people no matter where you go or what you do. Don’t make your day about them.

– Choosing joy is a daily battle, sometimes one that must be fought and won every five minutes.

– Sometimes I miss the obvious (the REALLY obvious.) I just have to hope that if it’s both obvious and important I’ll get it eventually.

– Details are super important, but they are not always my strength.

– Fake it til you make it is good advice, but doesn’t always work. You should still give it everything you’ve got, though.

– Sometimes my strengths aren’t what the situation needs, but sometimes my weaknesses find a place there.

– Maybe taking the leap when I don’t know what to do next is exactly the right thing to do. But it sure is scary.

– I’m effective because of that fear – the only way out of the mire is to find the next step, and then the next, and then the next. And then you’re out and on firm land and the sky has not fallen.

– Family, and those friends you chose to be family, are the most important people in your life. Put them above work, above hobbies, above yourself.

– When you look for God in your life, you start to see Him all over the place. He’s there whether you see Him or not, so you may as well keep an eye peeled (whatever that means.)

– My twenties were about trial and error: trying to be all kinds of things including, but not limited to: wild, deep, professional, artistic. An executive, a free-spirit, a leader. While I may not remain any one of these things, I think I will add elements of all of these things to the compilation that I will become.

Here is what I hope for this next decade, and I know it’s dangerous to put it out here, but that’s what risk life is about:

– I hope for a decade of true partnership with my husband, succeeding beyond our wildest dreams so that we can be generous with others as well as each other.

– I hope for the opportunity to invest in the life of someone else (note: I am not saying the B word [baby], but I’m not NOT saying it, either.)

– I hope to create something other than this blog. perhaps a book, perhaps just photography, perhaps a business (what????), perhaps…. well.

– I hope to build the habit of talking about something other than the negative, the stress, and the downfalls of the day. There is just as much awesomeness to talk about as disaster; you just have to look a little harder for it most of the time.

So, goodbye, 20-29. I graduated from college, went to Oxford, drove across country (again), moved back home, moved out, got my first salaried job, then another, went to Ecuador, found out that Jesus is enough, met some boys, met a man, got married, became better with him than by myself, moved to the beach, asked God where He wanted me, found Mueller, stayed at Mueller,  met some amazing people who have inspired me in unbelievable ways, went to Thailand, asked God again where He wanted me, gained perspective, fought to regain it everyday, and ultimately, found that I am where God wants me. I am who God wants me to be.

Live to the hilt

““Wherever you are, be all
there. Live to the hilt every
situation you believe to
be the will of God.”

– Jim Elliot

These words have been a challenge and an inspiration to countless people. Popular culture is full of the idea of “truly living,” of throwing care to the wind and chasing after something full throttle. Movies and books that hold the idea of an ordinary person who abandons his “safe” existence to follow the beat of a drum only he can hear. He experiences amazing vistas, adventures, and challenges, and in the end he learns an unmistakably valuable and enduring lesson about himself and his place and purpose in the world. He is different and the world is different because of all this. He becomes something more than ordinary and tells us that we can do the same.

Personally, I’ve been finding this difficult, mostly due to to my personality which usually wants to explore every conceivable (and inconceivable) option before reaching a decision. Throwing off caution and jumping in is definitely something that I do, but rarely and hardly ever with big decisions (like what to have for dinner.) So the concept of “living to the hilt” is a consistent desire and goal, whatever it means.

Lately it has meant pushing beyond my limits of experience and knowledge into the realm of imagination and intuition at work. It has also meant saying “I can’t do that” and then doing it, both at work and at Crossfit. Crossfit is easier, because it is over in 20 minutes; the “I DID IT” comes much faster (except when it comes to “real” pull ups and push ups, etc) than at work, where the  result of the risk is much more vague and a bit removed.

Though I may not be humanity’s answer to the latest catastrophe, or the fated heroine of an epic, I can always seek to do a few more reps, or be a little more careful and a little more innovative. And ultimately, do surprise myself on a daily basis.

 

Define your nightmare

Most of us are afraid. Most of u have no idea what we’re afraid of, though.

We are trapped in our patterns of expected actions. We do just enough to get by, to get by unnoticed at that.

We admire those who break boundaries and exceed our expectations. Part of us says, subconsciously, “Good for them, those who have reached the heights, who have dared to do the unconventional. I would never even be able to imagine the way to get started on such a journey, but I’m glad someone figured it out!”

Why don’t we see those who have succeeded and use them as inspiration to set our own path instead of gazing at them hopelessly and jealously?

What do we truly want? And what are we truly afraid of? What is holding us back?

I have dreams which I have the desire to pursue: writing, traveling, love, connection, unusual avenues. But I don’t have specific plans for most of these dreams.

I know I am afraid: afraid of spending too much money, afraid of missing out on one thing by doing another thing, afraid of disappointing or angering those who love me, afraid of being “irresponsible.”

For example, I want to travel. Not just be a tourist, but actually live in different places, calling them home. But this isn’t going to pay any bills, nor is it what my other half wants. So in this case perhaps my fear is reasonable – we’d be broke and mad at each other. I’m also afraid that I won’t find whatever it is I’m looking for in those other places because I’ll still be with myself.

But in other examples, it’s not that way. One of the things I have always wanted was to write (well), but I’ve never really gotten anywhere with it. Why? Because I’m afraid that in the end, I won’t be good at it and no one will like it. I’m afraid that I won’t like it. Just like anything, I know it takes practice and perseverance, so I also know that it is my own fault I’m not as good at it as I’d like to be by this point in my life.

Ultimately, I’m afraid of looking foolish. I have a nightmare of being laughed at, though when I really think about what is the worst that could happen I have to concede that even this fear is not all that bad.

When I really give my nightmare a name, it seems to lose its power. So what am I waiting for now?

Foolish Human

Back in January (Good gracious, was that really ten months ago??) I wrote a blog that in hindsight was so ambitious and arrogantly confident I am tempted to delete it. But then this little lesson would be lost.

I had every intention of fulfilling my very reasonable list of goals. I was going to eat better, I was going to blog once a week, and I was going to do more “good deeds.” The key to success and to moving forward is not only to look ahead to what is before you, but also to looking back and how far you have come.

This year has not gone the way I thought it would, though in some ways it is exactly as I imagined it would be. I have learned amazing things and done amazing things and met amazing people.

A few things this year were quite unexpected, some impossible dreams and some even things I said I would never do. This year I…
– got to know God
– ran a marathon and a Ragnar Relay
– began my career at a “holistic” college
– learned to love my husband better
– started Crossfit
– read a ton of books
– began a blog
– got to know myself in a whole new light

The things I glibly said I would do have in some instances been done, but not at all the way I thought they would be. And a basket full of other things that I didn’t think were in the realm of possibility happened in the craziest manner. The following verse means more to me now than ever before:

James 4:13 – 17 ‘Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.’

Starting from Scratch

According to this website, the phrase Start from Scratch now means to start over after an initial failure as if starting for the first time because nothing good could be gotten from the failure. Back in the day it meant that you had no advantage at the beginning.

I prefer the original connotation, personally: starting an endeavor with no advantage, with just your “scratch.”

In the Bible, people were always starting from scratch. Abraham, Jacob, Moses – all sent into the wilderness, traveling from one established place to another unfamiliar place. Paul and the other apostles never really had a place to call “home” in their journeys to share the Good News. In more recent history, the only reason we have this great country of the United States is because intrepid souls left the comfort of solid land to risk their lives crossing the ocean in search of new things.  Arguably, most of the amazing inventions blessing us in this era have come about because their inventors stepped out and made something where there was nothing.

There is something so thrilling about the idea of leaving what is behind and striving towards what is ahead. My husband and I recently experienced this for ourselves. We got married a little more than a year and a half ago. We always knew that we didn’t want to stay in the town where we met. Our plan was more of a five-year plan, than anything urgent and immediate. But in a very few months after our wedding, a series of situations and circumstances transpired (or conspired, if God can conspire), to make it possible and probable for us to make it a five month plan instead.

So we gave notice, looked for a place to live in San Diego, and packed all our worldly belongings (minus all the stuff we threw/gave away.) A few people made comments to the effect of: “Aren’t you scared? You don’t know where you’re going. You don’t have jobs there.” But, actually, it never occurred to me to be scared. It’s not like I have more faith than other people, or that I heard a voice telling me anything other people couldn’t hear. It is just that I believe and trust the God will provide (even if it’s not in the way I want and even if I don’t like it at the time.) Knowing that He is in control makes the fear of the unknown much less potent.

I know, I have learned and am still learning, that God is completely in control. When I look at the things in my life, the coincidences, accidents, planning, and the consequences of my decisions, I can clearly see His hand in it. I think it’s a very subtle thing. It’s certainly not a magic formula. Partly it is a matter of perspective and trust in the promises in the Bible. Partly it’s a matter of surrendering and waiting. There have been times when I didn’t see God anywhere, and I was, quite frankly, in despair. I thought, “what is the point of prayer, if God doesn’t listen?” because things hadn’t gone MY way. But a little time and a lot of prayer later, and I was able to look back at those times and see God even there.

This is what I’ve seen God provide directly in the past 12 months: a beautiful apartment with wonderful neighbors; reunions with a few good friends in unexpected places; two crazy jobs with awesome people; miraculous success for members of my family (even through crushing defeats); a whole new level of intimacy with God Himself; and a constantly deepening and satisfying relationship with my husband. You may not believe that anything I have seen has directly come from God, but I know that it has. My life continues to surprise me, but not to scare me, even in those moments when I am completely overwhelmed and underqualified. Even in those moments when I do not know how to make the necessary decisions and take the required actions.

We had a small amount of savings to help us out when we first moved and had no jobs. Knowing that this cushion would be short-lived, we both applied to as many jobs as possible. Michael was hired on the spot at two or three job interviews just three weeks into our adventure. While working at one company, he randomly met another plumber in a Wendy’s who gave him his card and told him to call if he was ever looking for another job. One thing lead to another, and weeks later Michael realized he was not happy at the big business, sales-intensive company he was working for, and gave the plumber from Wendy’s a call. This new job was perfect – just three guys including the owner (the guy from Wendy’s). The other employee is also a Christian, and has expressed to Michael that he thinks the reason he is there is to “save” the owner.

I applied to almost 200 jobs while working part-time as a teacher at the local Sylvan Learning Center. Hardly anyone ever called me back, and the only interviews I got were for sales (yuck.) I had been praying that whatever job I got would be one where God could use me to reach my coworkers in some way. One day, applying on monster.com or maybe careerbuilder.com, I decided to click “apply” on a listing for a “career services representative” at a vocational college in downtown San Diego. Literally four minutes and thirty seconds later the campus president called me and we scheduled an interview. Voila! Job! I truly enjoyed working there, but it was short-lived. The campus closed down six months later (this was part of the deal when I was hired.) Another college, one that was “holistic studies” oriented decided to take over the lease and offered to interview the staff members who hadn’t found another job yet. Now, holistic studies is not something I would ever say I was interested. Actually, I didn’t want to work there, but in this economy I knew I couldn’t turn down the chance to interview. Imagine my surprise when I was asked to write what was basically my ideal job description, and was actually hired to do pretty much exactly that. I am working in the last place I ever expected to be, with people as different from me as it is possible to be. And I love it.

The reason it was not scary, and has not been scary, to move to a new place without knowing exactly what is going to happen, is that we have seen the way difficult situations have “worked out” in the past and now. We have seen that the Lord is good.

In a sense, every day is an opportunity to “start from scratch.”

They say, “it’s a new day, with no mistakes in it.. yet.” And I think that’s true, though sometimes you do have to deal with consequences from previous days. God has a way of giving second chances multiplied by a lot. Starting over from scratch is part of the process of teaching us to grow and to learn from our mistakes. It’s an act of mercy. Starting from scratch is not really starting with nothing, but starting with God – which is everything. Whether it’s a big move away from your hometown and all your friends, or waking up in the morning with the chance to do the day differently, if God is in control then nothing is really scary and everything is a bit surprising.